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I think I have an addiction.

I feel controlled by food. When am I going to eat next? What am I going to eat next? If there is food, it must be eaten until it is all gone, no matter how much is there. I eat in secret. I hide snacks to eat later when no one can see me. Descriptions of drug and alcohol addicts sound familiar to me, in how they describe feeling out of control and simply ruled by their addiction.

But what can be done about it? I can’t stop cold-turkey with eating, like you would with smoking or drinking. That would cause another host of problems. Food is necessary to live. But why must this abuse continue?

“ Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. …

“Food Addiction – Is There Any Hope for Recovery?
Food addiction is a serious condition with many adverse health consequences. Obesity, psychological disorders, diabetes, and gastric anomalies are just a few.

“The first step to recovery is, of course, the realization and acceptance of the problem. Medically, individuals must identify which foods — the trigger foods — cause allergic symptoms and cravings.

“There is no easy way to combat food addiction; it will require intense discipline in modifying eating patterns and lifestyle. A manageable exercise program should be embraced along with dietary changes that may be maintained. Ambitious attempts to change eating patterns abruptly or to lose weight quickly rarely have long-term success.

“The physiological and psychological dependency of food can best be broken when the individual recognizes that they are powerless to combat it alone. They must look to God, who alone is able to provide help and healing in this and all areas of human helplessness. “For I am the LORD who heals you” (Exodus 15:26b) God is as much concerned with our physical well being as He is with our spiritual relationship to Him. As an individual seeks Him, he will find health and healing and recovery. “Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you and that your body is as healthy as I know your soul is” (3 John 2).” ~All About Life Challenges

I feel so lost. I am compelled to eat junk when there is junk in my presence. I am compelled to eat EVERYTHING that is set before me. I am compelled to sit and inhale bad nutrition.

But to change this, I must change my mindset first. This is an addiction. I am a food addict. I am a food abuser. I have only recently begun to recognize this. With God’s help, I hopefully will be able to conquer this addiction.

The more I read online, the more I think that I may have a food allergy of some kind, but how do I figure this out? I don’t really have the money to go and get a lot of expensive tests done. (Apparently, a food allergy can trigger a craving for the food you’re allergic to. Who knew?) I could try a Food Elimination Test and record how my body reacts to different things, but that is time-consuming. I just don’t know. But it would be helpful if there is something that I shouldn’t be eating.

Today is the first day. Is it the first day of the rest of my life, as the saying goes? Possibly. I’d hate to think that my life didn’t start before today, but maybe this is the start of the next chapter. And that chapter is a very very long one.

I’ve always been heavy. My entire life has been one long diet or weight loss struggle. And I’ll talk about that as this blog continues. But not today. Today is about the Why. Why am I doing this? Why now?

This is the Why. My family. My husband deserves to have a wife who is happy with who she is, who is healthy and fit, and who will take care of herself and her family. My daughter deserves to have a mother that sees herself as beautiful and models that behavior. She deserves to grow up in a household where junk is not the norm and a sedentary lifestyle is non-existent. She deserves to NOT have to do this on her own in 30 years. I want to learn that I am strong enough to do this on my own. That I am in charge of my life, and that I have the control to conquer my fears (more on that in another post).

I am considered Morbidly Obese (Definition: a person who is 100+ lbs over their ideal weight or has a BMI of 40+). MORBIDLY obese. MORBID = DEATH. In 2007, we suffered both a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor’s notes regarding my surgery with the ectopic indicated obesity as a contributing factor. While I don’t know how they know that, the fact that it was noted really bothered me. To think that I could have possibly caused that to happen, and thus almost caused my death. And according to the website by Obesity Action Coalition: The most common morbid obesity-related diseases include:

• High Blood Pressure
• High cholesterol
• Diabetes
• Heart disease
• Stroke
• Gallbladder disease
• Osteoarthritis
• Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
• Some cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)

So, I could end up with cancer or diabetes or any number of conditions/diseases. And the 3 main contributors are behavior, environment and genetics. Well, I can’t do anything about genetics, unfortunately. But I can work on behavior and environment (and I’ll try to address each of these in future posts).

The How: I will weigh each week and measure once a month to keep myself accountable. Because I am still nursing, I will follow Weight Watchers program for Nursing Mothers right now. As she weans, I’ll reaccess. And I will strive to move every day. My goal will be a healthy 2# weight loss each week.

Day 1 Statistics:

Weight – 225#

BMI – 40

Measurements:

Chest: 50.5″

Waist: 41″

Hips: 50.75″

Right Thigh: 27.5″

Left Thigh: 28″

Right Arm: 15″

Left Arm: 15″

LONG TERM WEIGHT LOSS GOAL: 125 lbs (my healthy weight is between 121 and 135)

SHORT TERM WEIGHT LOSS GOAL: To lose 22 lbs – 10% of my current weight.

HEALTH GOAL: To eliminate that Morbidly Obese distinction from my record.

My sister desperately needs any and all prayers.  She is currently trying to adjust after leaving her abusive boyfriend and trying to establish custody of her kids.  That’s all I can say, but I had a very scary weekend in Iowa. Email me for details.

This is from Thanksgiving – all bundled up!

I CAN’T WAIT!!!  They included the Brockdale Bridge and everything! (that’s my favorite part – sitting in anticipation of what DID make it into the movie!)

216 days and counting…

Jason’s mom & dad have been house-hunting the last few weeks. They think now’s a good time to buy another property and then rent it out (they live about 15 minutes from us now).  But the main plan is whatever they buy, they’re going to rent to us. Which would be nice.  We were planning to look ourselves this spring, b/c we need a place w/ 3 bedrooms (Maggie’s in our bedroom right now, but there’s no room for any of her “stuff”.  But they’re thinking that if they put the down payment, etc it would be better, b/c we can’t afford a ton right now. That way we could get a bigger home.  I think they may even be thinking about turning around and selling the house to us at a huge discount, but I don’t know if we’ll let them.

But if we move further away, then I do have to find a new doctor for both Maggie and myself. And I really like the ones I have. :-/ Oh well.

I made a last minute decision yesterday to make a trip to Iowa to see my family. It’s about 3-4 hours each way and the weather looks good this weekend. I’ve been feeling really homesick, so I’m going. And my mom is sad because it’s been almost 2 months since she’s seen Maggie and she’s changed so much since then!  Jason will be super busy all weekend, so I wouldn’t see him anyway.

Went to the Big Mall last Saturday with friends. We thought we were absolutely crazy doing it, being so close to Christmas, but it was the PERFECT time to go, considering the season. The mall was open until 11, we went about 8:30 or so.  And we got parking right up front (and it wasn’t the only space there either!) and although there were a lot of people in the mall, the stores themselves weren’t that crowded.  So, if you MUST go to the Big Mall during the season – go then!

Maggie is in love with this stuffed Elmo that belongs to Jason’s sister. She just smiles and giggles whenever we play with it.  Today we’re going to take her 3-month pictures. WE can’t believe how much she’s changed in the last month!

Trailer:

Two words: Don’t bother.

Synopsis: The plants have decided they’re just not going to take it anymore. We’ve destroyed too much of the planet. So they start emitting a psychotic gas that causes humans to go a little crazy and kill themselves.  One guy, played by Mark Wahlberg (great actor, sorry you did this movie), figures out that the plants are attacking large groups of people. He and his wife and the daughter of a friend take off eventually by themselves and are able to “elude” the plants until the crisis is over.

My opinion: I keep expecting his movies to live up to the awesomeness and “gotcha” quality of his first movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs and the Village. But the last few movies have just been such duds. It’s almost as if Shyamalan’s trying too hard now.

In the beginning, there is a question of what’s going on? Everyone is just going off and killing themselves.  It’s really eerie.  And then, they’re on the run and lose contact with everyone. And then smaller and smaller groups are killing themselves. And then there’s a crazy woman (one of many…).

At the end of it all, the climax was hardly climactic. The ending classic-Shyamalan gotcha moment leaves you going “is that it?”

Basically, it boils down to: we’re glad we didn’t see it in the theatre and spend all that money.

I received this email from Maggie on Wednesday, when Grandma Grandt was babysitting:

OK, wasn’t it just a few years ago that Subway introduced their wrap option, as an alternative for people following low-carb diets?  I’m pretty sure it was.  So, I’ve been eating their wraps thinking I was getting a slightly healthier option for my blood sugar.

How wrong I was.

Was looking at the nutritional information yesterday for their sandwiches and wraps and this is what I found:

6″ Turkey Breast sandwich (w/ veggies, no cheese, no sauces, on wheat bread) = 280 calories. 4.5g of Fat and 46g Carbohydrates.

Turkey Breast Wrap (same extras) = 380 calories. 9g Fat and 57g Carbohydrates.

No wait a minute. Wasn’t the wrap supposed to be LESS carbs? And a healthier option? We have been lied to!  When looked at separately on their website, the wrap vs. wheat bread has a 100+ calorie difference!

So, then I’m afraid that I’ve bought into all of the marketing everywhere for the last few years. I get home and check the wraps I use at home.  La Tortilla Factory Garlic & Herb = 50 calories. 6g of Fat and 10g Carbohydrates. Whew! So, it’s just Subway then.

Everyone is henceforth warned.

Trailer:

OK, as the movie was released, I was halfway through the last book in the series, so much of it was fresh in my mind.  I have learned in the past that this is not the best mindframe to go view a movie that is based on a book. It makes it obvious when scenes were changed or things cut out, or if something was rewritten to make it flow better on the screen.  This movie was no exception.

Overall: Casting was done well, I thought. Kristin Stewart really WAS Bella and Robert Pattison (I apologize if I misspell any of these names!) was excellent as Edward. A friend, who went with me to see it, was upset because the Edward in her mind was older, whereas they cast a TEENAGER.  I had to remind her that the character of Edward was changed into a vampire at the age of 17, so he was physically a TEENAGER. Just because he had been around for nearly 100 years, and thought like an old man did not make him LOOK like an old man.  This actor had previously been Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, but I didn’t automatically recognize him.  May have something to do with the pale skin.

The other characters were well cast also.  The Cullens were great, although it was unnerving to see Peter Faccinelli with a) blond hair and b) such white skin.  Being the Italian he is, I’m used to his dark looks.  They played the parts so well, even Rosalie.  LOVED Esme and Alice.  And Bella’s dad, Charlie, was perfect.

My biggest criticisms of the movie are as follows:

1) The movie seemed to cram 9 months worth of plot from the book timeline into a 3-4 week time period for the movie timeline. It seemed very unrealistic, if you could believe that from an unrealistic subject matter.

2) Many of the scenes seemed to magnify the fact that the book itself wasn’t well written. I don’t know if Bella’s thought process just didn’t translate well to the screen or what, but it made it very dull and tedious to watch.

3) Scenes WERE added that were not in the book. Namely, the “other coven” of James, Victoria and Laurent are seen throughout the movie attacking humans.  I assume this was to create the idea that vampires are dangerous, as if we didn’t already know. And maybe to have the audience wonder if maybe one of the Cullens has slipped and is out killing people.  In the book, their presence was really only to move the book along and bring it to the climax, where James tries to kill Bella.  These added scenes weren’t terrible, and it helped move the plot, but it was obvious that that was something that was definitely missing from the book.

I did like the movie, mainly because it was good eye-candy.  However, if you have not read the books, and cannot see the double entendres and foreshadowing for things to come, you probably won’t even understand half of it.  You have no idea why Rosalie is upset, or what the story is with Jacob, or any number of side plotlines that come out in subsequent stories.  That being said, they are currently working on the adaptation of the 2nd novel in the series, so perhaps before the franchise is over, it will all make sense and work in with the novels.  It was not a movie I would drag my husband to, because he wouldn’t be able to see the draw of it, let alone figure out what was going on.  He does enjoy the Harry Potter movies, because there is a semblance of a plot and while it’s helpful to have read the books, it is not essential.

So, final word.  If you liked the books, you’ll like the movie.  If you haven’t read the books, don’t bother in this case. It’s not worth your time or money. Save it for Half-Blood Prince due out in July.